Shut Down

I always thought that if I had faith and stayed true to myself, I would get the things I wanted in life. I've learned plenty from practicing this theory... Mainly that it's untrue and I'm seriously and completely naive. I get what I desire most and once I put all my faith and trust into it, it's ripped out from under me and I'm slapped in the face. I can't take being hurt anymore... My heart can't take the destruction... My sanity can't stand the betrayal... I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of hurting. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I guess, to avoid anymore pain, I need to come to terms with that. My heart has shut down before, it can do it again. Life is much easier when you don't feel anything... Of coarse, life isn't worth living without love, but I still have my family. I should take a break from keeping my heart available... If you wonder where it is, it's locked up in chains until someone earns the key.

Choices and Mistakes

Intuition: The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.

I live in a world where nothing makes any sense... I'm stuck with my brain, heart, and soul. None of this will ever change. Life will always remain this perfect chaos... Chaos because it's crazy, scattered, and confusing yet perfect because it works. I have never really known if how I think or act is RIGHT. How do we define right anyway??? I guess that's a matter of opinion based on values, morals, and religion. Everyone was brought up differently... In most cases, even siblings are brought up differently... Therefore, everyone is given a fair shot to define themselves and not be defined by what's expected of them. Conflict brings me to this topic. How do you ever know what's right for yourself or what's right for other people? I have no idea if the choices I've made have brought me to where I am supposed to be in life. I could have done so much better for myself when it comes to school and career... I would be in a completely different point in my life with different friends, acquaintances, and most likely a different area code had I done things right. However, I believe in fate... Maybe I'm the way I am for a reason. If one thing had gone differently, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't be in love. I wouldn't be me. The thing is, I have a big heart. It weighs heavy on the choices I've made, the people I've hurt, and the people who've hurt me. I've made plenty of mistakes. I've broken hearts. I've been at rock bottom. Things are never perfect and I'm sure they never will be. Being at peace with that is what keeps me from giving up. I'm a good person and I've never meant to hurt or disappoint anyone. I can't make everyone happy; things just don't work that way. I guess my point is, I'm just going to have to worry about keeping myself happy. The people genuinely importantly to me will come next, but even that's hard to accomplish. What do you do when your mind, heart, and soul are split? How do you figure out the right thing to do when personal happiness isn't the issue??? I guess I will never know. I'll just keep having to make mistakes forever. That's what makes me human. It's kind of exciting, yet calming to not know... Maybe ignorance really is bliss.